PERFECT STORY

I have been dating a commitment phobic individual off and on for over a year and as can be expected, the relationship has been a roller coaster ride.

He has always returned with humble apologies and I have always forgiven. I really like him, enjoy his wit, humor, and he is very intelligent. However things have recently gotten very sticky. A mutual friend has caused a major rift between the two of us, that I do not know if it can be crossed.

In short an argument ensued about my ex-boyfriend and myself sleeping together after he told me he was not ready for a commitment (again). I told our friend that I would not go there again, however, I did not keep my word and I stayed with him. When our friend found out a confrontation between the two of them became a big blow out and neither my ex nor I really understood it. It would seem that my friend and my ex-boyfriend will most likely recover, as they have been friends much longer, though things may be different between them.

As far as myself and my ex, I do not know. We parted ways awkwardly and I left without saying goodbye, and shed a few tears. Prior to the incident he wanted to remain friends (for convenience?) now I don't know where I stand.

Should I try to contact him and discuss this with him or should I let it go and wait to see if I hear from him?

If I do hear from him do I discuss the incident or do I blow it off? Or am I better off just walking away completely and write if off as a loss though I will miss him dearly.

I am truly at a loss.



Answer:
There are so many things about your situation that trouble me.

First, it is triangular in nature and this always leads to problems. What does this friend have to do with this relationship? At the very least, it is none of their business.

Second, why are you so unsure of yourself that you even listen to a third person?

Third, if someone continually causes us pain and grief, this is obviously not going to make you happy.

Fourth, why run after someone who is this ambivalent about wanting a commitment.

It is one thing to call someone a commitment phobic individual. It is another thing to keep hoping that things will be different. I wonder why you feel he will change? Is he in therapy? Is he working towards dealing with whatever issues made him so fearful in the first place? Probably not!

So this begs the question about your own sense of self-worth.

Ask yourself:
1) Do I really really want a relationship? If so, why be with someone who doesn't?
2) If I really have confidence in myself, why am I with someone why I have to try to convince to be with me?
3) Does my own family background support healthy and loving relationships?
4) Does his?

One of the problems I see with women who continue on with men who won't commit is that something in their own past has made them frightened of commitment themselves. Remember that we usually choose our own "mirror image" when it comes to mate selection. If you are with a man like this, he is probably reflecting your own issues right back to you.

As far as my advice, I think it's pretty clear.

Walk away!!

You've gone on with this for a year and nothing has changed. Second, try to look inward and find out why you have chosen this situation unconsciously and maybe this will help you to grow emotionally in the direction of choosing someone who can love you as you, and as we all, deserve.

Basically, people don't change all that much. If he doesn't want to commit and has not already done so, he either has his own issues to work through or else he just isn't ready. In that case, there is nothing you can do about this except to choose a direction that is more emotionally satisfying. As far as remaining friends, perhaps you could in the future but right now, I would totally cool it.

Challenging and difficult, though they may not be what we want to hear, are the words that best describe long distance relationships. Keep in mind however, that the words are challenging and difficult, not impossible. Many people choose to give a long distance relationship a try, with the constant curiosity if it was the right decision to make and if it even stands a chance. The truth is, a long distance relationship has just as much a chance of succeeding as any other relationship!

Long Distance Relationships share the same facts as an average relationship. It involves two people who share an interest in each other�s lives, care for one another and of course have a love for each other that they hope will only continue to grow. On the other hand, a long distance relationship does have its differences as well. It takes away your ability to see each other on a frequent note, as well as the choice of being intimate whenever you desire, not to mention that there would be major trust required. Being unable to spend time together in a physical presence makes it harder to hang on to, but does not spell out doom for your relationship.

The first step is to make an agreement of what your expectations are in the relationship and how much of a commitment you are willing to give and receive. If the two of you decide to be monogamous, then it is clear that neither of you will be dating anyone else as long as your romantic relationship exists. Being clear about what you both want is extremely important, especially in a long distance relationship, in order to prevent future misunderstandings and mistakes. Do not feel afraid to tell your partner what you really need and want from him or her, you deserve the chance to speak from your heart and he or she deserves to know the truth and judge whether they can give it to you.

Trust is a major necessity if you wish to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness, just as it would be any other relationship. By accepting the challenge of a long distance relationship, you also accepted the fact that you will have to have the trust and faith that your partner will not be seeing anyone else as promised. Being paranoid and accusing will only grow doubts, insecurity and tension between you and none of those three will help the relationship survive successfully.

Question
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three months now. However, we met online almost two years ago and know a lot about each other. Apparently we don't know enough though as we seem to be spending a lot of our time on the phone arguing. We have tried to have a conversation addressing our concerns with the relationship and each other. However, he doesn't seem to be able to see my point of view on anything. For example, I want him to stop looking at porn online all the time and he makes the excuse that he just likes to look at attractive women and has a fetish that can only be realized through online pictures. I also want him to make an effort to write to me or call more instead of me having to do all the writing and calling. He also has female "friends" online tthat he discusses sex and erotica with without tellnig them he has a girlfriend. There's also another "friend" online that has me worried. He has been interested in her sexually for over a year and wants to start a relationship with her. He doesn't deny this to me even though he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that she wants "nothing to do with him" in that arena. I can't believe that though because in the past they have exchanged very sexual conversation. I mean VERY sexual. He claims they no longer talk like this, but he has yet to tell her we actually met in person and that we are involved in a relationship. He claims his conversations with her are "too short" to tell her this, but they seem to have time to discuss other things. She even sent him a picture of her finally. I really don't know what to do. I love him and he says he loves me, but i guess i just don't know. We talk almost every day on the phone and our conversations have always covered pretty much everything, but I guess we've just been kinda testy lately. please help!

Answer
you have to decide if this particular type of guy meets your requirements for the kind of person you really want to be with; that means, can you accept a guy who has a higher than average interest in sexual stuff, and other women? it appears you've made this all too convenient for him; if you want him to initiate contact, stop writing/calling until HE does; as to his professing love, go by his behavior, not his words...my feeling is he'll stay in this as long as he can have it all his way...decide what's acceptable and what isn't, and lay it on the line to him, not accepting anything less than you deserve, otherwise this "player" will only get worse...az